wait look see smell this is retarded

'it goes into a wealthy stomach'

'do you want to see my magic flashcards'

'he's the shitty Kardashian'

'I'm a sousaphonist by day but at night I play the tuba'

'my dad got sued by the church of scientology and won'

'legalise doctor shopping'

'it's not crowdsourced it's qualitative'

'he's a crackhead that looks like a hamburger'

let’s play bingo!

'can you play hot 97?'

'we can all get so high we'll have diarrhoea'

‘it’s a city of hot fun cool jews’

‘my name is catfood’

I forget when normal people eat their dinner

‘the road to drag is paved with kilts’

''my uber driver had Chanel No. 5'

‘never have I ever: fucked a republican’

'q: where did bush get run over by a car?
a: flatbush ave!'

'your favourite subject: witches'

'FaceTime girlfriend'

'I'm a sleepy guy in general'

'tech bros hate february'

'cheesequake, new jersey'

'put on a poncho'

'I hate piglet because I know he has a rent controlled apartment'

'i forgot my card'

yo dawg i heard you like suits

yo dawg i heard you like toast

'things happen, she was hot'

'quietly festering bromance'

'Ms. Port Authority 2015'

'meet my sexy friend'

'she was upwardly mobile and then she died'

lol there's a hare Krishna truck

i feel like bigbird whenever I walk home alone

eavesdropping on a weird experience

'I willed the milkshakes into existence'

'all the poets have eight million dollar apartments'

chinese hispanic grocery

i think my dogs are scared of short people

byo boyband

why is my bedroom windy

'welcome to chin town'

'I just want to retire and do duster'

'bruce springsteen + andy warhol + panic at the disco'

'listen, you're a cow, i'm a boy, it just makes sense'

'dear mom: today, I made it'

if I was actually big bird I wouldn't be cold

how did we end up in a loft with the guy who makes those subway map drawings and a bunch of Australians?

'fuck gaydar, we've got halaldar'

'if you say their name three times they'll text you'

'I got food poisoning from the barbie panini'

I can't drink hot sauce like i used to...

'lets go see the bassist from maroon five in concert'

'take away that speedboat and hang up that tank'

'anal sex is very spiritual'

port authority, meet the food authority

'she has a fat woman in her personal collection'

'every opening needs a cave'

so much for ello

Fuck yes I have t9 on my ipod now http://t.co/9sB2YxW38d

someone mail me shake shack

this elevator smells like cologne

the Australians hated me it was ridiculous

‘animal herding school’

INERTIA WAS OUR FRIEND ON THAT ONE!

the joke is that i’m blind

‘he did stuff to your tits and now you have arms’

'I've seen two last supper photographs already tonight'

the joke is that i’m deaf

'blue eyes look black in red light'

‘this basement is my haunt’

'spooky action at a distance'

‘he left his followers in bushwick’

I should make a group message with everyone in my contacts just to see what happens

I don’t believe in chargers

‘I hate everything but I don’t know why’

'I peed on your condos, angelo'

'SYSTEM INTERFACE RESTAURANT SEATING WELCOMES YOU'

‘why doesn’t my cat like salami’

'sometimes the only one who will listen is your mp3 player'

‘we had phone sex on speakerphone’

'all of a sudden she stopped following me on twitter'

‘the yolo county firing range’

my duvet isn’t dry yet

'feeling bad for the plight of basic people'

'every race of chillwave'

Carnegie Mellon killed the silk road

'NOSEFIGHT IS SPONSORED IN PART THANKS TO THE ESTATE OF RICHARD NIXON'

'of course he likes plastic surgery he likes rococo'

'they were tone policing women at this eight person startup I was working at'

middle aged appropriation music

rules

I crashed their party and fixed their pa

it's okay because he has no legs

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

'patty smith ate my bagel'

'welcome to NOSEFIGHT'

fuck bendy busses

'it started with a sexcapade gone awry'

why yes, i do suck

i’m cold

I'm late again

‘jfk died for your sins’

JESUS ATE MY HOMEWORK

'her mom goes to boom boom room'

'put me away I live in a turnip'

Hava Endoplasmic

trump / christie 2016

'apocalypse THEN!! amirite?!'

'I feel like my life is spent drunkenly complaining about traffic'

famy said: i was wondering if you'd possibly consider giving your tumblr url away because it's kinda... http://t.co/B3280MkBEI

Photo: http://t.co/DuLWNWfRXp

sorry sir, I can't boogie

Photo: http://t.co/snlfPUuWXR

Photo: http://t.co/ioYDqCAmJO

Photo: http://t.co/omh3cRWnYI

Photo: at Baltimore, Maryland http://t.co/afVAIiRFgZ

'sex boyscouts'

Photo: lol http://t.co/fPBEfqJKqO

'look what the tunnel dragged in'

Photo: at Baltimore, Maryland http://t.co/ydqIcd75pJ

Photo: http://t.co/3Tj3DrFgaj

the dmv is like a bingo hall

'management consultants can't be substitutes for the government, but they can help'

'true clogaholics appreciate a little pizzazz'

'my uber driver was talking about gentrification'

'drinks orgies, or brunch'

motherfuckers talking about tax brackets

'he comes from a small twitterverse'

'sideburns like chicken cutlets'

and i miss kool bloo

'cafe! pizza! grill!'

I make decisions with my gut but usually my gut can't remember what it's meant to be deciding on

the radiator won't shut up and i'm not even cold

'I'm Ronald McDonald and central heating isn't a right. '

'ask for the hot 97 special!'

'97 minutes of commercial free music AND a thousand dollars! '

'call for a VIP appointment!!!'

turkeyshark

'home alone 8, starring mike huckabee'

hello, sandy the newscaster!

my favourite leg is right

'head, shoulders, knees and bros'

andrew cuomo's brother lol

'and my dad died'

'my daughter is a massage therapist'

'eating meat makes me feel successful'

getting high on the devil's cucumber

popcorn and chill

I still feel like bigbird

'keep those sweaty eyelids away from my house'

'I wanna live in a pagoda'

how much time is too much time for a joke

i have b- blood

there's a reason Ukraine isn't known for its champagne

but it was okay because I look like their friend

lol I got a 25$ ticket for using my fireman's key

come to my yurt

talk to the minivan

FLEXIBLE DEFINITION OF OFFICE SUPPLIES

what am I doing

my lightbulbs are making odd sounds

THANK YOU, WE OPERATE THE SAME WAY

'welcome to the metrocard city'

upgrades to make it rain even more

there are some really great photos of rugs on here

'I babysit three thousand people every night!'

'the love of my wife'

i'm at a lecture about maps lol

'raising lemons for cash'

pizza dog https://t.co/vyVKrnfe2E

'hexagonally challenged'

broadcast television is scary

i pride myself on my wifi naming skills

and now and now and now WHAT

‘braille for people who are not blind’

i spilled my dexedrine in the temple

I smell like fire

it’s horrible

the monks here have iphones

help i’m trapped in a lizard

‘motives and goals: what do we want in life’

‘toilet paper isn’t a fun drug’ @virginmilf

‘I didn’t want any royalties because I thought it’d be gay’

https://t.co/RSB3u8Lv0z

‘being in the city is number one reason to have a smartphone’

try playing the bassoon in high heels

‘look how perfectly my balls are set up’

‘governor corzine broke my uber’

this elevator smells like woodshop

RAP FANALE

tailgating at the Warhol museum

the saga of the Yolo truck

he’s the Indian nathan lane!

rave at the pickle store

reducing people, securing risk

al sharpton niece

'Africa is hard like Mexico'

'i took the cashcab but now I'm lost'

'a city for kids with more than 60 real life role-play adventures!'

I'M DYING

motherfuckers love chicken

'I LIKE MY LISTS LONG LIKE MY LEGS'

I just want fried calamari

thirsty postgrads

I took two cold baths recently

'i just realised my phone is full of pictures of me and a naked baby'

‘I need more blood on my iPhone’

'WHERE WERE YOU IN MY TIME OF FEED'

when the track with biggie’s mom talking comes on shuffle

‘i live in a crayon box in rockaway’

lol I just hopped the turnstile for the bathroom

eurozone finna get freaky

‘you yoga carrot head you’

‘I’d like to make a horror novel about free love’

everyone is crazy

i’m studying abroad in new jersey

‘i would swipe right on mussolini’

'WE GOT SOME RETRO; YES'

YOU WILL NEVER FIND WHAT YOU SEEK

‘finding tits in all the wrong places’

i have a feeling that if i told the guy sitting next to me on the train that he smells really good he'd freak out

old people who look like birds

today the weather can't figure itself out and neither can I

a turtle mayor lookalike with a combover

secrets of the yestercrypt

just watched the cat try and jump out a wall

it's subtle leadership brah

THE ANSWER IS YES

maybe he had an idea

'there's some a lot of politics going on'

al pacino's creepy uncle isn't real

immerse live experience

'when we return; the know-how behind faux-cow'

babies also love people watching

my head itches

towards the end of the rum year'

t9 for life, yo

'spank me with your iphone'

'I couldn't tell whether they were having sex or just doing judo'

BE THE BIRD YOUR PARENTS WISH YOU WERE

'I'm not saying it's bad I'm saying it's trending'

landlords plummer is named corky

he’s stopping by to fix the furnace before he goes bowling tonight

staredown time http://t.co/YQpAPL9aIb

it ain’t sleeping brah

‘stealth sex’

‘hello my name is mug’

what now

this will be your only indication

'he's my best friend but i don't want to hug him anymore'

this beer tastes like scotch tape

'I'd rather see acne than what food you're cooking'

'commute to work by swimming'

'all of his paintings look like toothpaste'

my street sense is backwards

'I follow some of these people on tumblr'

train vacations

small kids and a small dog

there's nothing in the water

'you'll have a blast at monkeyworld'

my legs are too warm

the roomba future is so much less depressing than the uber future

'happy birthday loofah'

'party in the club till its awkward'

bouncer hates my keyfood murse

'i'm going to win but i'm patient'

I've run out of drinks to steal

'lost in the club with jim carey'

'Hasidim up in da club'

'bosses leave on their own time'

'they call him pizza arms'

‘at least the people who break my heart are hot’

‘unfortunately my music career is taking off much faster than I expected’

my elevator smells like expensive cheese

'IS YOUR DOG INTO BAUHAUS'

'hello'

a guy spit his chewing tobacco out on my shoe and I made him clean it up with his shirt

happy street cleaning day

i'm watching a game show about cows

happy guy fawkes day

I want to build build a yurt in the brooklyn navy yard

'my name is whoopi goldberg and you're in a taxi!'

‘i saw your instagram comment and it needs to stop’

I overslept in someone else's time zone

'they call her tapioca tits'

'Jennifer Lopez can't go to jail!'

GET READY IT'S PARTY COW

'a blend of jackson pollock, pee-wee’s playhouse and denmark'

'WEALTH, CONNECTION, FAMILY'

'give the oil to the arms and the legs and the daughters and the sons'

‘destroy their caliphate by making them look stupid’

Sports

breaking into china chalet

'she looks like a Hawaiian thot'

brunching alone

'they just wear loafers all the time'

'I LIKE JAPANESE BLACK METAL'

'John Lennon died because of yesus'

'Is there any pretzel here?'

‘have you heard the news? mike tyson discovered emoji!’

'ketamine in class is horrible'

'the parade of urine has arrived'

'the parade of the users has arrived'

'who's up for a rousing game of nose-spit'

'we sell carpets, blinds, wallpaper, and cctv'

"ONE OF THE MOST INTELECTUAL BOOKS I'VE EVER WATCHED"

IF THERE'S WATER IN THE PITCHER

I peed on the prime meridian

LEAVE IT TO PARCEL PETE

(asshole)

'I love that bald guy he's really hairy'

I'm cold WAITING for the bus

halp

p1p http://t.co/BMZEYP5E5f

'they pay her by the grunt'

'kung fu for families'

unless they haven't chosen to be bald

'I want to see her and lick her face'

it must've been that weird drunk band

you look cleaner

motherfuckers got luggage

my hand itches

|LIVE NOW| #meerkat http://t.co/1cyx9UZRMO

I miss four loko

my legs aren't warm any more

the oyster men are here

men with shaved heads look like penises

'god's love, brought to you by michael kors'

beds make poor fellows

irrationally alone

http://t.co/syiVZB3Is4

my dog has a cardiologist

'brought to you by the barn for the poorest of the poor'

'my little pony died in the Great War'

there’s a guy running up and down my street crying

mound no. 2 (noodles) http://t.co/mffMjTBiQ7

alone and warm

mound no. 1 http://t.co/paZz9ZxzTo

'meet me at the chicken villa'

here we are i dont get it

SI VES ALGO DI ALGO

'jerry lee lewis called, he wants his car back'

'a man a plan a canal, flatscreens'

'just stuck in a refrigerated universe'

today my stomach is making curious sounds

you can win if you don't lose

TODAY IS THE WINDIEST DAY

help I can't stop eating brioche

what's good